reflection in babbles of a non-white traveler

by Phet Sada

tonight, i have been inspired. as i continue to seek out, laotians, and what are we up to in the world, i have found something that have dwelled in mind. it's got me reflecting about my past travel experience. as i was not a typical white traveler, who fits in this general vagueness of either "american" or classy "europeans", there was a different sense of race perception. if i were to ever write a paper, i would be fascinated with the idea of race perception in each country throughout the world.

for the most part of europe, i was still a "chinoise", or "chinita". i guess, i did feel displaced and just lost in space as to where i belong. i was no longer in any conventional category of race and class as i was in the "american" terms, and even more specifically, "californian" terms.

i was without a social context. so much of it has to do with the fact that i don't know how race is perceive in those countries, such as france and spain. i was no the "typical" white american traveler to them. i don't know whether asians live in the ghetto for the most part of these countries. or what they're understanding of "asians" are. are we simply greedy merchants and the new jews? or are we "slum bags", "chintock", and ghetto dwellers living among the european stereotyped perception of arabs and black there.

i yearned to understand so much of it when i was there. but i knew it was impossible for me to make sense of a world that was as foreign to them as it was for me. being teased by french guys on the train, questioning whether i was vietnamese or god knows what based on my luggage tags, was one thing. but surprisingly enuf, as much as they were asses, or seem to be asses based on their derogatory sexual gestures (as i did not understand french), they somehow had the heart to help me with my heavy mothership luggage.

for me to end up in paris, seeing black workers everywhere, i knew there was racial disparity, which came to me as shocking as my discovery of how diverse france was, and i guess the rest of europe is. to see racial profiling by spanish cops in barcelona committed against the arab, pakistani, middle-eastern and south asian community was hit with reality. in talking with my co-worker, it was amazing, that she was conscience of the fact that she would not ever know what that's like as a white american woman. and i completely respect her for that. as for some ppl, they may say that i'm overthinking things.

but u know what, to see white american men soliciting black women for sex, could never be pictured happening in the 21st century in the U.S. as it did happen in barcelona.

so i knew there was a struggle. i knew there was tension. i knew that race perception matter, despite however it's coated and buried in the traveler's romanticized version of the eurotrip. but i've seriously learned that every romanticized and idealized perception of every travel experience on tv has been for the most part based on a white traveler walking foreign lands.

and maybe that's why i haven't quite grasp why my travels were so different, and so not what is made of in the traveler's channel or standard cinematic films exploring foreign land through the eyes of a white foreign traveler.

i hate dissecting the race card honestly, but my conscience makes it inevitable. and that is why i seek out the underground culture of each nation that i have visited. it's going to consist of the minorities that is somehow marginalized by the majority culture there.

coming from a small country in such a hidden part of the world, i definitely know what it's like to be invisible in all aspects (social, economic, and political) of life.

so i wondered what could life be like fore laotian refugees all over the world. as they have gotten swirled into the diaspora, ending up in france, spain, germany, belgium, switzerland, canada, aussie, the u.s. and even argentina. the one thing that we all carry somehow, is this identity as a laotian. how is that possible. we are connected to a country we call home, but do not know of.

so much like the palestinians. maybe this is the path of the refugee. this displacement in the interrealm between two homes, one being the current country we reside in and the other in our psychological reality.

when i see these laotian musicians and rappers, of course many of them have been mixed genetically and not only culturally with the other ethnic backgrounds, but they have somehow a strong connection to being lao. they all speak of their struggle to survive, to outlive poverty, and better understand what it means to be "look khon lao", litterally translated to "a child of a laotian", thus implying figuratively that you are loatian. to see a group like OGLC, whatever that stands for, from France, rapping about "jeun laos" in the ghetto neighborhood they grew up in, and the racial discrimination they have been subjected to, along with the ethnic groups they can relate to as in the arabs and black. all of this somehow reflects so much of the laotian experience here in the U.S. of course there's no such single "laotian experience" but nonetheless, there's a base and foundation that we all started out as, and that for the most part is being a "refugee from laos".

i do want to know what it was like for my cousins to grow up in france. as many of them have seem acculturated and assimilated, most of them have french girlfrends, and their standards for girls revolve around the european phenotype of beauuty, it makes me wonder if they question their construction of the idea of beauty. furthermore, it's amazing that they validate themselves as laotians, as they are.

hmmm...yeah i'm not good a leaving things jsut to be. i don't think it's good or bad that things are the way they are. but i think it's interesting. n it's one thing to contribute to my consciousness of being human in this social game of race, money, politics, and love.

my goal to connect the experience of the hyphenated laotian identity throughout the world is will involve the following objective:

1. to first know my self, 2. to know my family throughout this world, 3. and to continue questioning my sense of reality as i travel and live.

all this continues to inspire me to do the following:
1. stay in touch with my family in all parts of the world:
write to Denny's and send him the french laotian rap, laotian rap from U.S., and U.S. rap
send post cards to my cousin in france (like casandra and sofie and natalie
expose my family in the U.S. to all that exists in other parts of the world (write to donald, and toni, and kito about these laotian french artists and lao ppl all over the world, show them the music and the love, and encourage them to travel at every opportunity)
write to my family in laos and send them my poems and thoughts and music from this end of the world
make a documentary that follows all over the wordl seeking for laotians and "the laotian refugee experience" and draw a connection to the impoverished lifestyle and struggle to be rich, to fit in and yet hold onto what it means to be lao. and how what does it mean to be lao, how much of it is left?
write a poem about being lao, and the changing dynamics of culture and my experience of not existing as a "white traveler"
get into music again, seriously learn the violin, the khaen, and guitar.
better understand the history of lao, read more on it, and collect more of the art, music, and video. continuing to support the work of young and old lao artists and musicians.
learn french to explore the lao-french aspect, as that colonial aspect has been embedded and carries its traces.